I ask myself on a daily basis… “Is it just me?” “am I crazy?” I feel as though, maybe I am this magnet for alcoholics? I didn’t grow up in a home with alcoholics or drinkers. I was never prone to the mindset of addiction, other than my father, whom I thought was the devil for smoking cigarettes. Had I only known the power of substance abuse then, maybe things would be different. No, I do not wish I could have grown up with alcoholics, that would be plain ridiculous. What I mean is, had I recognized the signs, maybe I could have saved myself a lot of heartache, then again, maybe not.
What I have learned is, I have a lot of questions that I have yet to find answers to…
-WHY? Why is it every man that I have had relationships with, drink from the moment they get home until the time they pass out (literally)? Why do I try to come up with excuses for their lack of soberness? Is it something I am doing? Am I enabling them by not leaving, and even if I did leave would it help them or make it worse?
_WHAT? What causes someone to become an alcoholic? What is the fascination with alcohol? What is the driving force behind alcohol that makes people believe that it makes them a better person? From past and present relationships, I can verify people who drink the amount of alcohol that alcoholics drink, they are NOT better people. As a matter of fact, I detest them. Even my current relationship… it’s making me hate him. So WHAT is the reasoning or explanation for the continued abuse? Is it selfishness? Is it a lack of love for themselves? Or is it, they just love the alcohol more than you?
Over the years I have been with a few different types of alcoholics, all of them on different spectrum’s of the Alcoholics chart (Yes, I have made my own). The first was the abusive alcoholic, he was probably the worst of them… he would drink and get violent. I was young, 14 years old actually. He beat me from the time I was 14 until I was 19 when I finally left. He would get so violent that he actually knocked me unconscious a few times.
The second was my first husband, he was the “Good Time” alcoholic. This man could drink a 5th of Vodka and you wouldn’t even be able to tell he had a sip. My personal opinion is that he believed he was a “social” drinker, I think he believed alcohol turned him into the person everyone liked and boy, did he like to be liked. He didn’t beat me, so he had one up on the first alcoholic. Over time, I came to realize, I just didn’t like the guy alcohol made him to be. The more he would drink the more ballsy he became, that led to infidelity and the end to our marriage.
Third Relationship, second husband was the “Third shift” drunk. He worked nights (when he worked), I worked days so this relationship spent the better half of 8 years, calling around to find out what bar he was in because his kids needed diapers. FUN GUY this guy was NOT. He didn’t beat me, he DID cheat on me, and he was an absent parent the majority of the time. This was when I decided no more alcoholics, no more drunks, I am woman, hear me ROAR! No more, absolutely not one more millisecond with a drunk.
You guessed it, relationship number 4. Specifically stated on my online dating profile, “NO ALCOHOLICS. Casual drinker, once a week with dinner, perfectly fine. I’m not a prude, just done dealing with alcoholics”. I purely posted the ad as a dare with a close girlfriend going through dating woes at the time. That’s when I met number 4. He started off as a dinner drinker on dates, ok, fine. The relationship moved to the next level and he moved in. Dinner drinker, became “over worked” drinker, that led to closet drinker. The closet drinker was only figured out upon submitting bank documents for our new home. I should have said STOP THE BOAT then, but I didn’t. Closet drinker became a raging alcoholic of which after a month hiatus separation, promised to not drink again… of course I am back to over worked drinker/closet drinker/nightly drinker.
I have tried to be understanding, I have tried to reason with number 4, I have tried to be sympathetic to his grief’s, yet it only spirals into me detesting him. To the point where I physically do not want to walk though the door most nights. I have tried talking to him, which only turns into me being the bad guy or he admits he may be drinking too much, that goes absolutely no where. I am over having to repeat myself a gazillion times, I am over watching the same shows over and over again because he doesn’t remember watching them the night before. BUT I love him. I feel I am doing nothing but enabling him to fall further and further from reality. I feel the next level will be horrendous to endure, will he kill himself drinking and driving or will it be someone else? One thing is for sure, I’m at a crossroads.
How did this become my fault? I am not a drinker. I did not grow up around drinkers. I do not know how to break the cycle of becoming the alcoholics crutch. I thought I knew the signs, but I was clearly wrong about that assumption. I feel in every situation from number 1 to number 4, that alcohol has played the part of the “other woman” in my relationships. It has been the destroying factor in each and every one of them. I do not trust that if I do leave number 4, that I won’t end up in the same exact situation the next time around. So what is the answer? I have cat’s, I could easily become the cat lady everyone jokes about… yet I’m serious.
I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to people. I hate how it ruins lives. I hate how it has ruined me, and I’m not even a drinker.
8 thoughts on “The “Other” woman… Alcohol.”
I think I fall into no 4. I can only offer my sympathies and hope that you make a decision that is best for you, and not him. You are enabling him and he will fall either way. Good luck x
Thank you so much for your acknowledgement, I search for answers and everywhere I seem to look I find that the majority of the search results are based on the alcoholic themselves or funny quotes about how great drinking is. I’m not saying I don’t have a cocktail every now and again, MAYBE a couple times a month with dinner but nothing like what I live with. I hope you too, find the answers that are nagging at your conscious… mine are still in limbo.
Thank you for sharing this. For being so BRAVE to share this. My best friend has been in similar situations and after number three and decided to take a break from men altogether. The difference is she had an alcoholic father so she knew the signs of addiction etc., yet still found herself with these broken men. I cannot agree with you more: I hate alcohol and how it can ruin and destroy people lives and relationships. I am a once a month drinker and my husband a beer with dinner guy, and I’m thankful, but I’m acutely aware of how common alcoholism (including the whole spectrum) is in our society today. It’s tragic, truly tragic. We all have one shot at this life, to live a fulfilling, meaningful life of love, I hope whatever you choose you do it for YOU…Praying and sending healing, positive vibes…
Thank you so much Heather! I completely agree with you! I feel it is one thing to enjoy a cocktail once or twice a month… daily is very much on the tipping line. Like I said, I wasn’t raised around addiction, yet I have a keen radar that draws me towards them. I have never had an addiction problem, other than the addicts themselves. Why can’t they see what I see? Why would they want to continue the path when they know how it is effecting every part of their lives? Why can’t we make it better? For the most part, number 4 has it together. He is a great provider, he does work hard BUT he puts all of that at risk every single day… and for what? I’m completely at a loss. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers! I will be doing the same for you my dear! My heart goes out to you!!
It’s not just you and you are definitely not crazy. It happened to me with covert narcissists. It could be a number of things, sometimes not obvious. In my case it was trauma re-enactment. I would recommend the book ”the betrayal bond” by Dr. Patrick Carnes, it was a real eye opener.
I will definitely search out that book. I’m positive number 4 has insecurities from his past that he hasn’t dealt with, or he doesn’t know how to deal with. He is a good man with many walls. However the addiction is making it almost unbearable to be around him. He is just there, with his bottle of captain and phone. Not much interaction with us anymore and the little interaction that we do have is rarely remembered, sometimes not even 5 minutes later. I feel like I’m living in the movie Groundhog Day quite often. I will get that book ordered today! Thank you so much!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great post. I agree with Shelly Long, by not setting clear boundaries and expectations with him. I have had 5 long LTR with Alcoholics over my life. This current one of 6 years went through 8 detoxes to finally get 2 years of sobriety. But I told him you will not live with me while drinking. He even dumped me for a year at one point to be with his Vodka. I also agree with chainbreakercorporation, I’ve read Patrick Carnes work and believe I was replicating my early trauma history. No one in your family of origin needs to be an alcoholic, you can be a dry drunk too. Plenty of families the physical disease skips over people but the emotional part of the disease manifests. Good luck.
Thank you so much for sharing your situation. You are a very strong woman to have stood by him through all of that AND good for you for sticking it out and fighting! My situation since I wrote this Blog is now on the other end. I actually wrote about it today. It’s still fresh, it’s still excruciatingly painful, but it was what I had to do. I stopped fighting. I had to accept defeat and do what I should have done a while ago. In the end, he does choose the alcohol over his family… or I should say my family since he has deserted us because it’s what is best for him and how he has to deal with this. It was a eye opener. It has always been about him from day 1 and how I never saw it before?!? Just crushing. As he has always said “It is, what it is”. It was a 8 year battle and let me tell ya, watching it happen has been absolutely miserable. Watching someone you love just walk away?!? Girl I don’t know how you went back to it after being laid to the side for a year?!? You are a better person than I. I wish you two a very happy, sober, rest of your lives ❤️